For Emilee

I hope that one day you buy every pretty dress you have ever wanted,
I hope you wear them and dance barefoot in summer and laugh
I hope you smile at all the little things, like flowers, and the laughter of children
I hope you get that tattoo you've always wanted
I hope you learn French Fluently.
I hope you go to Paris and every single state in the US
I hope you never stop singing ,even when people tell you  that you cant- in fact- especially then
I hope you buy a bracelet everywhere you go until your whole arm is filled with them
I hope you stop beating yourself up about every thing that's out of your control
I hope you have the guts to speak up when something is important to you
I hope you fall instantly in love with someone unexpected
I hope you forget about your scars- inside and out and learn to be happy
I hope you know how much you are loved ,, by me 

                                                                 Mom  

THE SOLDIERS MOTHERS CREED

I am the mother of an American Soldier. I give my complete and unwavering support to my soldier.  As my son serves the people of the United States, so I humbly offer up prayers for his safety and the safety and health of those he serves beside.  I respect his choice to adhere to a strict moral code and a system of values that has preserved our country for over two centuries.  I accept that my soldier's first duty is to his country and I understand that this sacrifice he willingly makes is what keeps our nation great. I will never expect anything but the best from my soldier, for I know that he is capable.  I know that a soldier's heart is true and strong, and that my soldier will endure. I will never abandon my soldier, my son, my love. I will love him unconditionally. He will know I am there with him, even when he is alone. I am disciplined, emotionally and mentally tough, learning to wait for phone calls and letters or emails home.  I, like my soldier, am an expert.  I stand ready to do whatever I can to let my son, my soldier, know that we are here for him, behind him, we love him and I will pray for the swift destruction of the enemies of our country.  I am the person who stood guardian of this man who has become my soldier, now our Guardian of Freedom and the American way of life. I am the mother of an American Soldier.

MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER

My beautiful daughter
You cannot know
How much my heart breaks
As I watch you grow
In time you’ll become
Independent and free
Always my daughter
And special to me
As you grow older
You will see
Through the eyes of a mother
Reflections of me
Past, present and future
All intertwined
My mother, your mother
All daughters you’ll find
Our reflections, not vanity
Mirrored lives we share
Always a daughter
Your mother, who cares.

YOUR NEW JOURNEY BEGINS

Therefore, the journey ends here,

With no fanfare, and no parade

Just a good by and good luck.

I did my job,

More like a labor of love

And now its time to let you go

If the life I gave, you did not suite your needs

Then I am sorry.

I gave all I had and more

It was a choice not a sacrifice

To give you the best life I could

I loved you from the moment I fount out about you

And will continue to love you after I am gone

You are my heart and soul

I could not be prouder of who you are

When times were a struggle I never felt poor

My life was enriched because of you

Threw the hard times and good times

Threw the laughter and tears

I would not change a moment

It is what has made you the strong, wonderful

Caring and loving person you are today.

So with that said

I say, goodbye my baby…

You have turned out to be a great MAN.

YOUR NEW JOURNEY BEGINS.

ALL DEBTS MUST BE PAID

When my white wings turned to black,

The realization was clear,

I've fallen out of favor,

When the light abandoned me,

As the darkness crept in all around me,

It lashed out and bound me in chains,

The predator sunk it's venom into it's prey,

Despair was it's poison.



When the happiness in my life was sapped,

And the sorrow flooded in,

I knew my life had been rendered a sin,

Even though I have been abandoned in darkness,

I still seek out the light.



My shackles and chains never were the type to shine,

They are in the mind and even though I can move,

I am as helpless as a child without it's mother,

Merely a prisoner without a warden,

Left in this jail to roam without an exit,

As the light in my soul fades to black,

So does the sparkle in my eye,

A fate accepted, a promise made,

In the end, all debts must be paid.

A WOMENS WORTH

You ask me what you’re worth –
I tell you -
“Look upon my hands.”
For scars that are there say more than words ever can.
You ask me what you’re worth –
I tell you –
“Look upon my head.”
For wounds that speak “I love you” is all that need be said.
You ask me what you’re worth –
I tell you –
“Look upon my side.”
For a sword was thrust, blood and water flowed so in me you could confide
You ask me what you’re worth –
I tell you –
“Look into my eyes.”
For all the love I feel for you I admit I can’t deny
You see- before the world was framed I knew you
I smiled when I looked upon your face
A beautiful little girl with eyes like mine, so full of love and grace
A smile that lit a dreary room – tears to reveal a tender heart
I knew I would pay any price so we would never be apart
I knew I could not live without you so I sought a way to you
And believe me daughter to win your heart there is nothing I did not do
Why do all this you ask me – why suffer so much pain?
Don’t you know you are worth more to me than any riches I attain?
You are of great value, for I created you and formed you with my hand
And then I placed in you a desire to know me and seek my wondrous plan
You have great worth my daughter, a high price was paid for you
For the enemy came looking and asked what I would do
How much would you pay?  What is she worth? The enemy at last did cry.
This is how much, how much she is worth-
I stretched out my arms and died. 

Jesus

Lies Of Clueless Deceit

Within such words of beauty lays caution of true fault,
A lonely seed planted upon the silent soul of sweet remorse,
"To trust is to be trusted, While to lie is to be fooled"
Such quote of mine speaks to my heart with painful force,
While the future becomes nothing but a glimpse of burning past,
And lies upon deception cause heartbreak beyond ones relief.

Another face of simple nothingness sketched into depths mind,
A tornado of vicious confusion raps around a frozen heart,
As our relationship became nothing but lies of clueless deceit,
While tidal waves crashed over hurt body drowning my soul,
And tears of ones bright future evaporate into thin air,
Torturing my mind of insanity, beyond being ever whole.

Hollow throughout bones as my visions of your become dust,
The life you've come to choose is not love but perfect lust,
Decision become careless as your life will turn to mist,
The lies you began to tell will now haunt you in your dreams,
One thing to remember in life is its nothing as it seems,
Karma planted beautiful, upon the lips of a blue eyed devil.

Lost in Sunshine

I guess
Maybe
Im a little tired.

I guess,
Maybe
I dont know how to feel.


So
I guess Ill go down to the creek
and wash away my sorrows
and let the sun
rub warmth back into this tender, achy heart of mine.

I guess
All I needed in the firstplace
was some sunshine.

Everything else will someday come.

So Im on my way
to pulling myself out of this hurt
wiping away those pesky tears
that keep coming
and taking a deep breath.


life is all about losing

so you know what you will one day gain.

So here I am, Life.

Losing to a better cause.

crying for a future smile.


never again will I let this happen.
Never again will I be so vulnerable.

Never again
Will I lose something much too precious to me.

So cheers
let me drown my sorrow and loss


in sunshine.

Just Remember Me

When life's a struggle
and the world gets you down

just remember the one
who you turned their life around
when you think no one cares
and no one could understand
I will be here waiting
just to hold your hand
when you feel so neglected
and you feel so alone
you feel so unwanted
in every fiber of your bones
remember the one
who told you she cared
the one who promised you
to hold you when your scared
remember the times
that we cried together
and somehow just doing that
made everything seem better
so if tomorrow morning you wake up
and the darkness doesn't let you see
just remember the one who loved you
just remember Me    

FUTURE

Looking forward I see a hall,

All these doors but not a wall.

            As I walk and look on up

I see a sign;

“pick one door, pray its fine.”

Do not peak youll break the rules

And become gods greatest fools.

Take a walk inside your head,

Only you know what lies ahead.

I find a door that looks quite nice,

I go for it, but then think twice

            I see the door saved for me,

I walk on by and don’t look back

Each step forward past doors crack.

Is it time to choose a door,

Or must I look a little more?

Time will come to an end,

Will my choice be my friend?

I finally stop and close my eyes,

Then look up and see my prize.

            What’s inside is truly me!

It’s a box, but there inside

 Is the man full of pride.

Hard work and drive will be my key,

Necessary tools to set me free.

Its time for change, its time to grow.

Come on, lets do this, its time to go.

grafton derryberry 5/12

NEW OUTLOOK FOR 2012

LIFE IS LIFE AND WE ONLY HAVE ONE. NO MORE WASTING IT ON THE THINGS I CANT CHANGE AND START LIVING IT, I WILL TAKE THE TIME TO LOVE , LAUGH AND ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS, I WILL SET GOALS AND HOPES FOR MYSELF AND IF I DON’T EVER REACH THEM, WELL THEN I WILLL ENJOY THE JOURNEY TRYING, I HAVE TWO LOVES IN MY LIFE AND I WILL BE THERE FOR THEM WHENEVER THEY NEED ME, JUST AS A MOM SHOULD BE, I HOPE TO ONE DAY FALL IN LOVE AGAIN, AND IF I DON’T, THEN I WILL ENJOY THE LOVER OR TWO ALONG THE WAY,. I WILL TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES AND WATCH A SUNSET, SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND NOT TAKE ANY OF IT FOR GRANTED, THIS IS MY LIFE , MY TIME, AND I WILL NEVER LIVE LIFE LIKE I DID THIS PASSED YEAR, I WILL TRY AND BE A BETTER FRIEND, SISTER AND MOTHER, I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO MY FUTURE, AND WHAT LIFE WILL BRING, LIFE IS A JOURNEY AND IM READY TO HIT THE ROAD.

The Year 2011

As this year ends, I reflect on what the year brought to my life, I wish I could say it was a great year, full of love and happiness, but it was not. The year started out with tremendous loss, pain, and heartache. Some of it due to loved ones passing away and some of it due to some walking away, but loss never the less. These losses took me to a place in life I had never gone before, a place full of darkness and despair, there were times I didn’t think I would live threw it , and times I didn’t want to. I could not see passed the pain, and  I can remember spending weeks barely getting out of bed due to the fact I just could not cope with the hurt, This pain was both physical and emotional, the kind that knocks you to the ground and would not  let you go. I know that everyone handles hurt differently, and maybe to some people they would have not felt the same way I did in my situation. Pain is pain and we all feel it and we all go threw it, and I believe the level of strength does not depend on how much hurt your are dealing with, I believe the  level of strength has to do with the people that are there for you during your most trying times. During this time, I had friends and family that were fighting for there life, some fought and stayed, and some fought and left, God needed them more than we did. It was the strength of these wonderful people that helped me get threw what I was going threw, even if they never knew. It was the love of family and friends that knew me better than I knew myself that stepped in just at the right time. To them I say thank you, my life would not be the same without you. You brought me out of the dark and it feels wonderful to feel joy and happiness again, and so, as this year comes to an end, I know there will always be heartache and pain, that is life, but I also know that the ones that truly love you can help you get threw it. Depression is real and it should not be overlooked, I look forward to what the New Year was to bring, with great hope and great anticipation. My life and its journey continue on.

LETTING GO

Most of us have experienced a loss of some kind. For me losing something makes me automatically tighten my grip on the things I still have. But what I have found is that when it’s time for something to leave my life, it is so hard to loosen my grip and let it go. I have had to “let go” of pretty much everything lately. So here is my thought…. What if we don’t hold things tightly or with a closed hand? What if we just held our hands out open palmed? Then what landed in our lives would be what was meant to be and when something took flight because it was time for it to leave, there would be no fight to “let go”. Maybe we should freely allow the ebb and flow of life to bring things and take things at will. It doesn’t mean that we can’t hold things precious; it just means that we are to let it live freely in our palm of life and enjoy its presence while it is there and when it leaves, trust that something else will come along and take its place. It may not look the same, but it will serve the same purpose. ~ Me

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure

and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

A Reason, A Season or A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.... They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

What Is Love ?

And finally she asked herself the question, "What is love?" For it is more than merely passion flowing, more than just emotion's gain, more than the sense of flesh on flesh. And it seemed to her as if she were asking, "What is God?" or "What is creation itself?" Yet now it seemed to her that this was the question she sought an answer to all her life.

So now, at this point in time, she queried, with all the varied experiences she'd had, what could she truly say of love? For one, it is an opening of the heart, so very hard to describe. It is compassion, yet it is self-interest too. It is giving, yet it is receiving. It is caring, yet it is letting go, saying yes and at times even saying no. It is to empathize, yet to realize another must learn to feel for themselves. It is a mother's nurturance, and a father's tenderness, yet it is also a mother's insistence and a father's authority. Yet it is even more somehow. It is order, yet it is chaos too, that then brings a new order, but then chaos will always come again, won't it?

So perhaps she could say one thing of love - that it is cyclic, like nature, or like the ocean's ebb and flow, the tides moving in and out in their own rhythm, in their own season. Love is the peace of nature and the storms of her fury, the warmth of a summer day and the coldness of the deepest, darkest winter night. Love is the flower opening out, yet the passing of its innocent beauty too. Love is life, breathing itself, creating itself, destroying itself.

Love is forever, of that she is certain. Yet can anyone forever be love? Love is commitment, yet love is also a setting free. Love is personal yet universal. Love is mind and heart and body and soul, all at once somehow, so love is also totality, is it not?

Love is thought-provoking, yet without thought. Love is having everything and knowing nothing, yet it is knowing everything and having nothing too. Love is the closeness of togetherness, and love is the solitude of isolation.

Love is inspiration, intuition, joy. Yet it is also heartbreak and loneliness and solitude. Love is the trembling excitation of newness, and the shaking of the grief of loss. Love is a slow and steady pace, yet too, it is the exuberance that makes us want to run and dance and sing. Love is ecstasy and misery, sureness and confusion. Love makes us feel as if we could do anything, yet love also makes us feel like nothing at all at times. Love is being light-headed and dizzy, yet love is feeling heavy and as if about to die. Love is the slow and steady heart, yet the flutter of its racing too. It is freedom, yet it can also be the bars of a prison found deep within, can it not?

Yes, love is all of that… Yet still there is an illusive answer on the wind that she hasn't quite caught, so she sits in stillness, and moves as she must, and waits for its arrival. For once the question is asked, sooner or later an answer forms out of the everything. And now she wonders if perhaps love is everything - all that we feel, and all that we think, and all that we sense - even all that we are. In essence, undefinable then, for love is life itself, the path of many windings, the foot upon the path, the movement and the stillness, the taking in and the letting go. Love is the illusive moment of now and the memories of yesterday and the longing for tomorrow, all at once.

But she has that uneasy feeling that always comes before the answer, so still she waits, while waiting has always been the most difficult of all for her…

Love is ageless and timeless and without dimension, yet love is here and now in this moment of forever. Love is ancient and new and ever-becoming. Love is what we always and ever and never can have, for love is dynamic. Love is the worth and the meaning and the quality of hope and hopelessness. Love is the glory of enlightenment and the darkness of unknowing.

Love is the white lotus of the seventh chakra, the brightest, deepest red of the first, and all the many, varied hues that are forever creating yet another shade of beauty in between. Love is the high note and the low, played at once in harmony, the crescendo, yet the deepest chords resounding. Love is expression, yet non-expression too - a cacophony and symphony of composition.

Love is the sleeping and the dreaming and the waking. Love is real and yet invisible, felt and yet the deepest mystery. Love is existence and its annihilation. Love is the question and the answer ever changing. Love is what we want to do and have to do and refuse to do. Love is pain and comfort too, the illness of disease and also its healing. Love is the beauty of perfection, yet the difference of disfiguration.

Love is the height and the depth and the width, yet love is immeasurable. Love is darkness, love is light. Love is emptiness and fullness, the yin and yang - forever and always distinct yet flowing within and through and with each other. Love is the yearning for life and the illusion of death. Love is continuance in time and time's obliteration. Love is its own beginning and ending and becoming.

Perhaps the only answer then, is this: Love Is. While in its allness and in its nothingness, we simply need to let it Be - in us…

A Love Letter

As you, attach your eyes upon me

From your pedestal so grand

I am on bended knee heart held still

I bay at the gods and ask what I have done as a man

To have a woman so beautiful and graceful as you

The song I sing of love in my heart will know no bounds

From your pedestal so grand

To me on the ground to the depths of the ocean

My love ever reinforced by your delicate presence

The day you crossed the threshold into my life

I resonate my love and joy rising

I eternally relinquish to you so grand

written by Ron Teague

this was written for me a few years back. i just have always thought it was so beautiful..

On Friendship

On Friendship
By Kahlil Gibran (a chapter from his book, The Prophet)
And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

this is just so beautiful..

I AM

I am a daughter, A sister, A grandaughter, a niece, A cousin and a friend,
I am a partner, A student,
A young girl and a grown woman,
I am confident and scared,
I am terrified and excited,
I am loving and caring,
Yet thoughtful and hopeful.

I am sick and tired,
I am shy and friendly,
Careful and careless,
I am broken yet whole,
I am misunderstood, misguided and Mislead,
I am hardworking and determined,
But a little scared on the inside.

I wish on stars and dream my dreams,
I pray to god and cry my tears,
I smile on the outside while I am dying on the inside,
I listen to others who won't listen to me,
I walk on egg shells and I walk on fire,
I believe in passion But not true love,
I love you yet I push you away,
I want you but not so close,
I am everything and nothing all at once,
and yet,
All I want is for you to love me.

Love... what a wicked game.

What happens when you fall in love with someone, who doesn't love you back? What are you suppose to do? Logical wisdom would suggest to move on. Move onto what, though? It's easy being on the outside looking in when saying that. It's easier to move on from someone when that passionate flame burns out. They say time heals all wounds. What if time has passed, but it's only glorified those wounds? That my friends would describe love. What a wicked game for them to play. To make you fall in love with them and to not feel the same.

No one is above or below love. Love can hit all of us and make everyone vulnerable. You can't beat it and you can't hide it. The more you try to fight it, the more it hurts. When you happen to fall in love, perception and reality can be two different views. Love should go like a fairy tale in your mind. You think since you feel it, everything will fit into its place. However, reality and love can be a hard thing to grasp. Sometimes that person just isn't in that same state of mind. That is a painful thing. It's easy to lose all confidence and hope within yourself. It makes you feel a lot of pain. Not only can it seem to be that you can't be with the one you love, but it makes you feel like something is wrong with you. However it may feel, it's probably not that way at all.  Falling in love isn't about being a great person. The most horrific, rotten, evil kinds of people in this world are capable of being loved. If the glove fits, then it must be a match.

Love stings everyone and can spread to everyone of us. You see a happy couple walking down the street. Or loving couples snuggling up next to one another in a movie . You think to yourself, they look like they're in love. They look so happy. They look like they don't have any problems in their lives. Why can't I have that? For every snuggle, hug, and kiss only tells half of the story. For everyone of those, there also was tears, anger, heartache, and especially pain involved as well. Where there is love, there will always be pain. When you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back, then it's just the pain to go through.

Committing to someone is the scariest emotional aspect for a person. Getting cheated on is painful. Dealing with a breakup is hard. Dealing with someone who you love, but who doesn't love you back? Forget about it! That tops them all. That is just wickedly cruel! It might not be cruel with intentions. It's totally and completely not the other persons faults. It's still wickedly cruel! They just don't understand, since they're not in love. They also can't control how they feel.

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I like those words. Those words should remind people that it's okay to get down. It's alright to feel a bit vulnerable and scared at times. Sometimes you'll get beat up a bit in life. It will really knock you down for a bit. That's okay, it can happen. Then one day, you're going to get up. You're going to get a bit meaner and tougher. You're going to give life a real butt kicking back. Then you'll tell tell yourself this. I might get knocked down, but I'll never get knocked out of the game. Keep your dignity and let these moments humble you as a person. They say scars are the road map to the soul. A lot of the pain and adversity you deal with in life, can help shape you into a better person. Pains and feeling weakness helps you grow into a stronger person,

Giving your love to someone shouldn't be looked as a bad thing. Rejection hurts and there's not one person who isn't capable of receiving it. What has happen can honestly happen to anyone. Just because someone isn't in love with you, doesn't mean they honestly think something is wrong with you.

It's hard trying to pull yourself from someone you love. When you're in love

You accept them for who they are. You have to if you love them. You adore the person they are and you kind of don't want to forget them

Maybe it will take time. Maybe you'll never fully get over them even. Love can be a hard feeling to push aside. If you accept reality, and accept everything for how it is, then it can help you move on at least.